1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,000 Movies. 2 00:00:01,380 --> 00:00:02,640 Vaginal. Anal. 3 00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:05,340 Blowjob. Handjob. Footjob. 4 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:06,880 Coed. Amateur. 5 00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:08,080 Milk. Reality. 6 00:00:09,100 --> 00:00:10,520 Gangbang. Blowbang. 7 00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:15,220 Beanbag. It's true. I once had a girl open her vagina and we threw beanbags 8 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:16,620 We had a good time. 9 00:00:17,980 --> 00:00:18,980 I've shot. 10 00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:21,440 Alt. Public sex. Private sex. 11 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:23,100 Twins. Big boobs. 12 00:00:23,340 --> 00:00:24,800 Big butts. Big glitz. 13 00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:28,520 Ball busting. Pink eye. 14 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:35,300 Interracial. grannies, teabagging, teabowing, planking, Tony dancing, 15 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:41,700 boosting, salad tossing, seafood insertion, moon pies, 16 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:47,440 boy girl, girl girl, boy boy girl, boy girl, midget girl, homeless man, turkey 17 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:48,440 drumstick. 18 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:50,360 Boy boy. 19 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:52,100 What am I, a pervert? 20 00:00:52,340 --> 00:00:53,420 Of course not. 21 00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:56,380 But I needed some work. 22 00:00:57,230 --> 00:01:01,590 So I went to pitch a movie at Pain in the Ass Productions. 23 00:01:02,150 --> 00:01:05,129 It was a great movie. A brilliant movie. 24 00:01:06,050 --> 00:01:08,210 Night Train to Bonner Town. 25 00:01:11,450 --> 00:01:14,470 And those bastards laughed in my face. 26 00:01:14,770 --> 00:01:20,870 So I told my wife, for justice, we must go and see Don Corleone. 27 00:01:21,270 --> 00:01:25,190 Justice Hornet. She would have been the star of the movie. They said no, so 28 00:01:25,190 --> 00:01:26,190 she's really bummed. 29 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:30,480 I run the largest porno distribution company in the world. 30 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:32,820 I have all the big titles. 31 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:38,000 I have everything from anal to zanal. 32 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:41,340 Anyway, bonus time. 33 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:48,640 On this day of my daughter's honeymoon sex tape release party, I will grant you 34 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:49,640 one favor. 35 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,900 What is it you want me to do? 36 00:02:07,530 --> 00:02:08,789 This I cannot do. 37 00:02:10,490 --> 00:02:12,870 But I'll give you anything. Anything you want. 38 00:02:14,170 --> 00:02:15,170 Okay, I'll do it. 39 00:02:16,110 --> 00:02:18,290 What? You said I can have anything. 40 00:02:19,790 --> 00:02:23,670 I want you to bring your wife over later so I can play Mythbusters with her. 41 00:02:24,690 --> 00:02:25,890 She can play Myth. 42 00:02:26,810 --> 00:02:27,810 Shit. 43 00:02:28,630 --> 00:02:30,770 Now, where are my sons at? 44 00:02:57,930 --> 00:02:58,930 Thank you. 45 00:04:47,980 --> 00:04:48,980 Found something. 46 00:06:25,070 --> 00:06:26,070 Good year. 47 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:02,400 um um 48 00:07:35,690 --> 00:07:37,490 Oh, my 49 00:07:37,490 --> 00:07:56,410 God. 50 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:24,099 Does it feel good? 51 00:08:24,100 --> 00:08:26,800 Oh, fucking love that. 52 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:19,600 Shit. 53 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,320 I think I'll take my procedure. 54 00:14:07,230 --> 00:14:08,230 Take you right there. 55 00:16:47,690 --> 00:16:48,690 I'm done, sir. 56 00:18:33,710 --> 00:18:34,710 That's the tip. 57 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:31,440 I want you all ready. 58 00:20:46,629 --> 00:20:47,629 Michael. Yeah. 59 00:20:48,410 --> 00:20:51,090 It happens every time my sister fucks a new husband. 60 00:20:52,570 --> 00:20:55,070 Does she get married a lot? 61 00:20:56,730 --> 00:20:59,890 Yeah. You count the nerdy older guy in part two. 62 00:21:00,150 --> 00:21:01,150 And Rocky. 63 00:21:02,350 --> 00:21:05,570 What about your brothers? Where are your brothers? 64 00:21:07,110 --> 00:21:08,190 I don't see them around. 65 00:21:08,990 --> 00:21:12,750 But there's my older brother, Sonny, which we probably just cut from him 66 00:21:12,750 --> 00:21:13,770 some random porn girl. 67 00:21:14,410 --> 00:21:15,650 And then there's Fredo. 68 00:21:15,980 --> 00:21:20,560 My lovable, dim -witted, un -betraying family, and un -helping the enemy to 69 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:21,660 me out in the future, brother. 70 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,080 I love you. 71 00:21:23,460 --> 00:21:24,620 Are you having fun, Kay? 72 00:21:25,540 --> 00:21:26,540 Yeah. 73 00:21:35,580 --> 00:21:38,240 Don... Don Julio. 74 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:40,200 Don Julio. 75 00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:46,000 Michael, why is this... scary man over there talking to himself. 76 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:50,160 That is a scary man, Kay. 77 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,320 He has a cock the size of a baseball bat. 78 00:21:53,780 --> 00:21:56,480 And he plays every girl like it's the World Series. 79 00:21:57,340 --> 00:21:58,440 He ever strike out? 80 00:21:58,900 --> 00:22:00,340 Only if she prefers tennis. 81 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:02,360 His name is Luca Bazzi. 82 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:06,940 My father calls upon him when he needs a good cocksmith to be in one of his 83 00:22:06,940 --> 00:22:07,940 movies. 84 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:13,480 He's been the star of such movies as In the Ass Out the Mouth, Stiff Up a Lip, 85 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:15,880 And the big sleep, Triple X. 86 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:17,480 He played sleep. 87 00:22:18,100 --> 00:22:19,100 That's a true story. 88 00:22:24,420 --> 00:22:25,680 That's my family, Kay. 89 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:28,040 That's not me. 90 00:22:28,140 --> 00:22:29,240 That can never be me. 91 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:33,560 Probably never ever could be me. I can't see how it could be me. 92 00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:35,240 Probably impossible. 93 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:36,640 It's not me, Kay. 94 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:38,560 It's not me. 95 00:22:40,820 --> 00:22:42,000 Never me, Kay. 96 00:22:42,820 --> 00:22:43,820 Never ever me. 97 00:22:43,950 --> 00:22:44,950 Never me, Kay. 98 00:22:45,950 --> 00:22:46,950 Never me. 99 00:22:47,850 --> 00:22:48,850 Me. 100 00:22:50,730 --> 00:22:51,730 Hey! 101 00:22:52,950 --> 00:22:56,570 Hey, you world -famous porn star, Jenny Fontaine. 102 00:22:59,890 --> 00:23:00,890 Yeah. 103 00:23:01,670 --> 00:23:03,430 My father is her godfather. 104 00:23:07,330 --> 00:23:09,030 I have a problem, godfather. 105 00:23:09,690 --> 00:23:11,770 My pussy's not going to stay tight forever. 106 00:23:17,020 --> 00:23:18,020 You're right, Jenny. 107 00:23:18,700 --> 00:23:22,700 Eventually, it's going to look like two pieces of raw bacon wrapped around a 108 00:23:22,700 --> 00:23:27,100 knuckle. And every time you walk, it's going to make a sound like... 109 00:23:27,100 --> 00:23:35,320 Loose 110 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:37,860 pussy is nature's corduroy. 111 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:43,680 A month ago, a producer said he was going to make a porn. 112 00:23:44,060 --> 00:23:45,380 The biggest porn ever. 113 00:23:46,300 --> 00:23:47,600 Jack, triple X parody. 114 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,100 And the main character was a girl like me. 115 00:23:50,500 --> 00:23:51,500 A slut. 116 00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:52,740 Yeah, exactly. 117 00:23:53,780 --> 00:23:58,340 And she had to fuck 20 guys. And then after, she says, I'm so happy I had to 118 00:23:58,340 --> 00:23:59,340 order all these pizzas. 119 00:23:59,740 --> 00:24:02,160 And I'm happy that I didn't have money to pay for them. 120 00:24:02,500 --> 00:24:05,000 And then she goes off and fucks the plumber with a strap -on. 121 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:06,480 You can act like a man? 122 00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:07,819 I think so. 123 00:24:07,820 --> 00:24:09,020 But that's not the problem. 124 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:10,280 He won't give me the part. 125 00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:12,440 He said my blowjobs are subpar. 126 00:24:13,540 --> 00:24:15,380 My lips look subpar to you? 127 00:24:17,790 --> 00:24:18,850 Not to my penis. 128 00:24:19,670 --> 00:24:20,670 What's his name? 129 00:24:21,650 --> 00:24:23,470 Putt. That figures. 130 00:24:24,330 --> 00:24:25,470 I'll take care of it. 131 00:24:26,570 --> 00:24:27,570 What are you going to do? 132 00:24:28,370 --> 00:24:30,390 I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse. 133 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,200 Somebody stole my animal head collection. 134 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:56,560 There's a horse head under here. 135 00:24:58,180 --> 00:25:00,360 It'll be the best horse head you've ever had. 136 00:25:31,216 --> 00:25:32,216 Oh. 137 00:25:41,190 --> 00:25:43,170 Oh my gosh. 138 00:28:02,670 --> 00:28:03,670 Bitches, you're fucking nuts. 139 00:31:00,010 --> 00:31:01,010 My God. 140 00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:37,720 when you're done with it. 141 00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:39,000 Good touch. 142 00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:16,440 Will you tell me when you come? 143 00:35:53,370 --> 00:35:55,110 I'm about to fucking cum, I'm not funny. 144 00:35:55,550 --> 00:35:58,910 Let me see it go in your mouth. 145 00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:55,060 Thank goodness you're alright. 146 00:36:56,720 --> 00:36:58,740 Yeah, she didn't have scabies like I thought. 147 00:36:59,700 --> 00:37:02,440 No, actually, I mean because of all the violence starting to break out. 148 00:37:02,660 --> 00:37:05,020 Oh, well, ignore that last part. 149 00:37:05,900 --> 00:37:07,400 Michael, we got this this morning. 150 00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:08,880 What is it? 151 00:37:09,180 --> 00:37:10,440 It's a Sicilian message. 152 00:37:13,860 --> 00:37:16,960 It means, Luca Bazzi sleeps with the bitches. 153 00:50:15,980 --> 00:50:16,980 Thank you. 154 00:53:41,310 --> 00:53:43,950 Holy shit. 155 00:53:44,410 --> 00:53:46,490 Holy fuck. 156 00:54:51,210 --> 00:54:52,370 You don't have to ask me. 157 00:56:26,140 --> 00:56:27,140 Oh yeah. 158 00:57:22,540 --> 00:57:23,860 They're coming to my car. Yes. 159 00:57:24,120 --> 00:57:26,260 I love going all over the house. 160 00:57:26,640 --> 00:57:27,880 Yes. Oh. 161 00:57:28,760 --> 00:57:31,320 Oh. Oh. Oh. Fucking come on. 162 00:58:19,400 --> 00:58:21,280 Let's take a fucking shower. I gotta go to work. 163 00:58:25,380 --> 00:58:32,060 So, have you heard anything about 164 00:58:32,060 --> 00:58:32,999 Pop's condition? 165 00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:34,000 Yeah, it's still inside. 166 00:58:34,940 --> 00:58:39,020 Shit. I was hoping that... Look, Mikey, we were all hoping that Tom here would 167 00:58:39,020 --> 00:58:42,100 be smart enough to build a time machine so he could go back in time and stop Dad 168 00:58:42,100 --> 00:58:43,460 from being shot, but he wasn't. 169 00:58:44,020 --> 00:58:45,020 Thanks a lot, stupid. 170 00:58:46,940 --> 00:58:48,120 Well, where's Dad now? 171 00:58:49,440 --> 00:58:52,620 Look, I don't want to say this so anybody can hear, because anybody could 172 00:58:52,620 --> 00:58:53,620 snitch. 173 00:59:01,300 --> 00:59:02,320 He's in the hospital. 174 00:59:05,820 --> 00:59:07,440 Well, I'm going to go protect him then. 175 00:59:08,940 --> 00:59:12,960 You haven't exactly shown any signs of violent tendencies, but sure, why not? 176 00:59:28,250 --> 00:59:29,550 Wow, that was a bad idea. 177 00:59:30,050 --> 00:59:32,230 I can't believe the cops are on Fluxo's payroll. 178 00:59:32,510 --> 00:59:35,350 It's a good thing you were able to fight them off. Man, I bet that was an 179 00:59:35,350 --> 00:59:36,350 amazing scene. 180 00:59:36,550 --> 00:59:37,550 Damn lots of intention. 181 00:59:37,910 --> 00:59:38,749 It was amazing. 182 00:59:38,750 --> 00:59:39,750 A real pulse pounder. 183 00:59:40,090 --> 00:59:42,310 I feel sorry for anybody who didn't see that scene. 184 00:59:59,310 --> 01:00:02,690 We know Flexo's in bed with McConsky, the chief of police. 185 01:00:04,970 --> 01:00:06,050 And he wants to meet me. 186 01:00:07,770 --> 01:00:10,990 So we should set up a meeting and I should take him out. 187 01:00:13,610 --> 01:00:14,610 They're going to frisk me. 188 01:00:16,170 --> 01:00:20,310 So we should find out where the meeting's going to be and plant a weapon 189 01:00:20,310 --> 01:00:21,310 in advance. 190 01:00:22,310 --> 01:00:23,310 Maybe the bathroom. 191 01:00:25,150 --> 01:00:26,370 When they least expect it. 192 01:00:34,319 --> 01:00:36,000 And then what, you take care of them? 193 01:00:36,300 --> 01:00:39,420 Yeah. Okay, so that's the plan then. You're going to get up, you're going to 194 01:00:39,420 --> 01:00:41,640 excuse yourself, and you're going to go to the bathroom. Say if I don't have to 195 01:00:41,640 --> 01:00:42,980 go. Then you drink lots of water. 196 01:00:43,340 --> 01:00:46,800 Okay. Okay? And then, when you're in there, you go tinkle. Then you flush the 197 01:00:46,800 --> 01:00:49,700 toilet, you get out, and you wash your hands. Don't forget to use soap. 198 01:00:49,900 --> 01:00:52,380 Then you're going to dry your hands off, you're going to find the piece, and 199 01:00:52,380 --> 01:00:54,320 we're going to tape it underneath the toilet. That's a good idea. 200 01:00:54,760 --> 01:00:55,760 It's Tom's idea. 201 01:00:55,900 --> 01:00:57,360 Makes up for the time machine fail. 202 01:00:57,820 --> 01:01:00,860 And remember, when you're done, just drop it and walk out. 203 01:01:02,260 --> 01:01:04,020 How long will I have to be gone for? 204 01:01:04,240 --> 01:01:05,580 At least 69 days. 205 01:01:42,250 --> 01:01:43,750 Still glad you wanted to meet Michael. 206 01:01:44,930 --> 01:01:47,430 I mean, after what happened with your father. 207 01:01:48,750 --> 01:01:50,450 Sometimes it's good to forgive and forget. 208 01:01:51,250 --> 01:01:52,350 You know, for business. 209 01:01:53,970 --> 01:01:56,430 Well, you did say it was an accident. 210 01:02:00,090 --> 01:02:01,090 Oh, it was. 211 01:02:01,650 --> 01:02:04,970 My guys drift on their guns, accidentally shooting your father. 212 01:02:06,830 --> 01:02:08,250 113 times in the back? 213 01:02:08,490 --> 01:02:09,830 Yeah, the streets were slippery. 214 01:02:15,020 --> 01:02:16,240 Now you have me here. 215 01:02:16,700 --> 01:02:18,240 What business do you want to discuss? 216 01:02:20,920 --> 01:02:22,720 I'm going to speak Italian to Mike now. 217 01:02:23,960 --> 01:02:24,960 Whoever turns you on. 218 01:02:31,600 --> 01:02:33,940 What's the matter? Why you no like me? 219 01:02:34,300 --> 01:02:36,280 What do you mean? I like you a lot. 220 01:02:36,640 --> 01:02:38,480 Why you no do business then? 221 01:02:38,760 --> 01:02:39,880 Okay, deal, deal. 222 01:02:40,240 --> 01:02:41,098 Deal's good. 223 01:02:41,100 --> 01:02:43,280 Deal's very good. Deal. I'm so happy. 224 01:02:49,140 --> 01:02:51,020 I love meatballs. 225 01:02:51,460 --> 01:02:55,320 You love meatballs? You love meatballs. I love meatballs. 226 01:02:55,660 --> 01:03:01,180 You got Sylvester Stallone and Robert De Niro. 227 01:03:01,540 --> 01:03:02,540 What's the matter? 228 01:03:07,000 --> 01:03:07,680 Excuse 229 01:03:07,680 --> 01:03:14,660 me. I 230 01:03:14,660 --> 01:03:15,660 need to use the bathroom. 231 01:04:33,360 --> 01:04:34,360 What the? 232 01:04:34,380 --> 01:04:35,380 Yeah, fuck. 233 01:04:37,600 --> 01:04:38,600 Don't fuck. 234 01:04:40,840 --> 01:04:41,840 Don't fuck. 235 01:04:44,840 --> 01:04:45,840 Get up. 236 01:04:46,040 --> 01:04:47,040 Get up. 237 01:04:50,680 --> 01:04:51,680 Don't fuck. 238 01:05:08,040 --> 01:05:09,040 Oh 239 01:20:00,810 --> 01:20:01,810 Something like that. 240 01:25:38,780 --> 01:25:39,780 Yeah. 241 01:25:54,520 --> 01:25:56,300 Yeah, I'm here to claim my share of the fortune. 242 01:25:58,620 --> 01:26:01,420 So we got this friend from Kenya. He sends me an email, right? 243 01:26:01,640 --> 01:26:04,640 And he's saying that all of his money is tied up in customs, which is no 244 01:26:04,640 --> 01:26:08,690 problem. Because all he needs is 500 bucks to get his money out of customs. 245 01:26:08,950 --> 01:26:12,470 And that's perfect for me. Because I totally got 500 bucks right now. 246 01:26:46,470 --> 01:26:51,730 Tell the prince to transfer my share to my checking account. 247 01:26:52,470 --> 01:26:57,310 Have him call my accountant, Michael Goldstein. 248 01:26:59,930 --> 01:27:00,930 Thanks. 249 01:27:18,959 --> 01:27:21,340 Michael, you... Me. 250 01:27:22,740 --> 01:27:25,680 Us. What happened to us, Michael? 251 01:27:27,020 --> 01:27:33,880 One day everything was happy and the next day you just vanished. 252 01:27:36,440 --> 01:27:38,300 I moved without telling you. 253 01:27:38,580 --> 01:27:39,820 I didn't vanish. 254 01:27:40,680 --> 01:27:42,000 What am I, a magician? 255 01:27:43,960 --> 01:27:44,960 Sorry. 256 01:27:47,850 --> 01:27:48,870 But I'm back, Kay. 257 01:27:49,550 --> 01:27:51,770 I'm back because my family's dying off. 258 01:27:53,690 --> 01:27:55,390 I know I heard about your father. 259 01:27:56,270 --> 01:27:57,290 I'm so sorry. 260 01:27:59,590 --> 01:28:02,370 Choking on an orange slice is not the way he wanted to go. 261 01:28:03,930 --> 01:28:04,930 But I'm back. 262 01:28:05,350 --> 01:28:07,410 And you and me could pick up where we left off. 263 01:28:09,730 --> 01:28:12,290 But I'm scared, Michael. 264 01:28:13,510 --> 01:28:14,510 Of what? 265 01:28:16,510 --> 01:28:17,510 Of... 266 01:28:18,639 --> 01:28:20,240 Clowns with axes. 267 01:28:21,760 --> 01:28:22,760 And you. 268 01:28:22,960 --> 01:28:23,960 Me? 269 01:28:25,000 --> 01:28:27,980 I'm scared that you'll turn out the way that your father was. 270 01:28:30,420 --> 01:28:31,420 Fat? 271 01:28:32,520 --> 01:28:33,740 That'll never happen. 272 01:28:33,980 --> 01:28:35,460 I have a high metabolism. 273 01:28:36,960 --> 01:28:38,240 No, not fat. 274 01:28:39,020 --> 01:28:40,580 You know how he was. 275 01:28:43,380 --> 01:28:44,720 I'm not my father. 276 01:28:45,020 --> 01:28:46,260 That'll never be me. 277 01:28:46,910 --> 01:28:47,910 I'm Michael. 278 01:28:50,310 --> 01:28:52,690 And I will always be inside you. 279 01:28:54,250 --> 01:28:56,510 And you will always be inside my heart. 280 01:28:57,950 --> 01:28:58,950 Oh, Michael. 281 01:46:40,849 --> 01:46:47,650 Fuck, I jerked that cock around inside my pussy. Give it to me. Give me 282 01:46:47,650 --> 01:46:48,650 that dick. 283 01:46:49,410 --> 01:46:50,970 Oh, fuck. 284 01:46:51,810 --> 01:46:52,810 Oh, 285 01:46:54,250 --> 01:46:56,850 fuck. So fucking good. 286 01:47:14,730 --> 01:47:15,730 You're so fucked.